Holy fuck, an actual rant entry!
How do you stop yourself? How do you break the containment? Is there a way to break up the dam and make it into a stream again?
I need a valve, a way to discharge all of that which I'm tired of holding in. I'm not even sure if I'm in the right most of the time, I might just be giving in to my own sophistry. I someone has ever thought "it must be a pain to be next to him" well, it's even more of pain to live inside me.
I like to think of myself as a byronic hero, to call that my brand and perhaps my justification... do I deserve such?
I'm tired of getting pissed at my environment on a daily b
asis, of being so judgemental, of trying to stomach my frustrations and my opinions, of trying to avoid pushing the wrong buttons. And yet, because I need to do all of that is why I've always concluded that if I were entirely true to myself I'd only manage to exile myself... in a more tangible way than I do now. If only I too could destroy the world, and create it anew... Oh damn, the goosebumps.
Even more, those things I hold on to that seem like they could give me some relief, that could help me not to choke, they fade or crash, one by one and I feel like I know none will remain at all, no matter how much it seems like they will.
I can't handle this right now, I can only weather it all until I can busy my mind again in the task of finding at least the freedom I want. And now, a true Cheshire Cat.